He is filling out job applications on the computer and in the back ground a commercial is playing, and it said. "Womens' sex drive increases at the age of eighty. "
Corey: Well, FUCK! (Slammed the mouse down) You stupid horny bitches...
You can just imagine my face, I pretty much had tears in my eyes because he legitimately seemed upset by this. I think he thinks that these elderly women are going to have a heart attack during sex and die; therefore, we are stupid for being so horny? I don't understand his logic. And I have to say it was not a gentle slam, he might as well have threw the mouse on the desk from a 20 foot drop. That is how loud it was.
I would imagine any elderly lady that heard Corey say this would respond like this...
5. He is Badass....
Me: You like to make people think you're a badass Corey: I am badass. Me: Please tell me, how you are a badass? Corey: Well, I shit with the door open.
I see your head shaking from here. Not only did he quote Step Brothers, but he was being dead serious, this was a legitimate reason as to why he is badass. This does not make him badass, it just means he has no shame. Probably why we get along so well.
4. Rookie Mistake.
Me: Check out this bed frame do you like it? Corey: I like it. Pause. I like it better in black Me: No, we are getting white. Corey: Why did you even bother asking me if I liked it? Me: I asked you if you liked the frame. I didn't asked you if you liked the color.
He made the mistake that every man makes when a woman asks a question. He has yet to grasp the idea that women are very detail oriented individuals, so if we ask a man a specific question, in this case do you like the bed frame, that means we DO NOT care about anything other than what we asked. Silly boy will learn.
This is the bedframe we fought over...
3. He thinks he is all that in a bag of chips...
I haven't heard from him in hours and this is the text he sends me. Corey: So you owe me a card on October 16th. Me: Why? What's on that day? Corey: It's bosses day. And I am a boss.
Need I say more?
2. Always inappropriate... Why are these fucks driving so slow? Seriously, the roads are dryer than Miss Daisy's cooch.
When he said this, I stopped jamming in my seat to Waterfalls by TLC and my head literally turned in slow motion and just looked at him in disbelief. I mean, how would he know how dry Miss Daisy's cooch is?
1. Couples that lift together, stay together? Right?
While I am doing my last set and this is our conversation.
Me: Want to watch me spread my legs dear? (clearly flirting)
Corey: While working out? No. Last time you did that I almost vomited.
As you can imagine, I could not focus on my last set. I was laughing to damn hard. He has no shame and he just states whatever the hell he wants and I love every bit of it. Even if it is to tell me that my snatch is dirty. That is just love.
Also, I have to say as I am finishing this blog he is singing from across the room. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck a duck, screw a kangaroo." To the rhythm of "Row row row your boat" SMH He is special....
5 Major differences between Syracuse and Philadelphia
1. Wicked. People look at my like I have 6 fucking heads when I say wicked! Apparently this word is unheard of down here. In the Syracuse area it is used all the freaking time! Here, I can physically see people dressing me like this in their eyes.
They are giving me bellbottoms and floral '70s tops. I am pretty sure they all think I say groovy too.
Also, every time I say wicked, someone repeats it to me as if they didn't hear it the first time, when they clearly did, or they will give a slight chuckle. And to my annoyance this happens every single time! I really need to learn to stop saying it.
But in all fairness Philadelphia has lingo that is just as bizarre as wicked; maybe even more! For example, you's guys, also spelt like youse guys.
Here let me use it in a sentence for you...
"What would youse guys like today?"
Now the phrase does not bother me as much as the way people say it. They accentuate the S, causing them to make an obnoxious slur that makes them sound like they have a permanent lisp. I just want to do this...
and then shake them and tell them they don't have a lisp! But something tells me that it would not be socially acceptable to shake a person, so I refrain. So in the mean time my forehead will suffer.
2. Water. How everyone in the United States, outside of Philadelphia says water. (click the speaker by the pronunciation)
Just why? Do I really need to expand on this subject?
3.Hoagies. What the hell is a hoagie? Oh, well after being humiliated and ruthlessly made fun of, I was informed that it is basically a ridiculous term for a sub. Now, I am sure this is a very popular term in other areas of the United States, but for the Syracuse area it is like wtf is a Hoagie? What is wrong with the word sub? There is no such thing as a Hogieway, nor do you hear of anyone going up to a deli counter and saying "Hey, can I have a fucking hoagie?" No! It is always a sub! Do you see my frustration??
4. Beer. In New York any person, with the proper ID, is able to walk into a gas station, Walmart, Tops Market, Wegmans, or any other place that sells some kind of food or beverage and pick up beer. In Pennsylvania they have whole stores dedicated to beer. You cannot conveniently pick it up at the grocery store while buying, chocolate milk, cheese, and Panda paws ice cream, which also doesn't exist here. Being from Syracuse I found this annoying because it is just one more stop where you have to get out in the cold and freeze your ass off! Who the hell wants to do that!? Not me! But then again that is why I have a boyfriend...He is a great beer bitch...
5. Blizzards. In the CNY area blizzards are an everyday thing. We are use to brushing a foot of snow off of our car, scraping ice off our windshield, and plowing our driveway every day and night. It is to be expected.
If people in the Philadelphia area even hear that they are going to get a half inch of snow,it's a state of emergency shut down! If you go to a grocery store during this time you will not find any of the following: bread, milk, ice, coolers, flashlights, batteries, or shovels. They are gone, like the apocalypse is fucking coming and they need to stock up to survive! It makes me chuckle. Another thing, when there is a half an inch of snow on the ground people drive like assholes! Example A... Corey and I were travelling down I-95 and saw 6 different accidents! Here is one picture that I took while driving because I was truly amazed! Truly bro, how fast where you going to flip your car on a road that was not slippery?
Notice you can still see the damn grass and the roads are still pretty bare.
Later this day, I found out there was a 50 car pile up. No, not 5, 50, ! Fucking 50! I am not joking. It is the kind of accident that just makes you want to take your face and smack it against a wall because it clearly happened out of stupidity. I see no other logical reason for why 50 cars got into an accident at once! Just plain stupidity and carelessness. Now Philadelphians, I beg you to learn how to drive because one of you are bound to visit the Syracuse area during winter. And holy hell you will want to cry and suck your thumb because you'll be so anxious.
Anyways, those are the 5 major difference I have noticed thus far. I am sure there is more to come! Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone!
I feel like a woman that has Tourette's, because I am saying all of this profanity due to my excitement. The reason why I am so stoked is because I adopted a baby kitten! Just look at his handsome face...
Now I have to tell you the story about how I got this love bug.
.
I work at the Chittenango Animal Hospital as a receptionist, and in walked this young lady with a huge card board box. This young woman was literally struggling to hold this box, but I found out this girl was not struggling to hold the box because it was heavy. She was struggling because the black and white kitten inside of the box smelled like a fart that suggest something crawled up your ass and died! It turned out that someone put this helpless kitten into a dumpster! To know that someone could put something so precious and innocent into a dumpster just baffles me! And quite frankly really pisses me off! To me throwing any kind of animal in a dumpster is just as bad as throwing a baby in it! It is just wrong and fucked up!
Anyways, enough of my ranting. The minute I got to take a look at this kitten it was love at first sight. He picked me. I walked past his cage and there he was, majestic and giving me the best take me home look I have ever seen. He was sitting up very proper, like in the picture above, then I talked to him in a baby voice. Game over for me.
The minute I unlatched that cage he purred louder then I have ever heard a cat purr before. To me this was the moment that I realized that I needed this kitten. He was not longer a want, he was a need. He instantly became like a child to me. It made my heart melt to think that this kitten that was put in a terrible, undeserving situation, yet was so grateful just to have a little bit of love and attention, and still trusted people. I know I will be the best second chanceatlife that this kitten can get. God, knows that I will spoil him rotten.
Nobody, and I mean nobody can resist his cuteness....
My boyfriend, who is even allergic to cats, is letting me adopt him knowing very well that the kitten is moving with me to his house in one month! Now, if someone who is allergic to cats said yes to adopting him, you know he has got to be a cutie and have a wicked personality to match... But Corey truly didn't have a choice because the kitten already adopted me. Even one of the women I work with said "Wow, he knows your voice." He gets so excited when he sees me just wants to be loved. The kitten chose me and I am gladly reciprocating the feelings to the little man.
This is how I broke the news to Corey that he was going to be a daddy, via text.
Me: Soo don't kill me, but I am adopting a kitten today. He is a love bug and perfect. So make sure you take your allergy medication. Corey: What kind of cat? Me: Sent pictures Corey: Can we name him hulk Now if only y'all could see my face when he sent me that last text. It probably looked as happy as it would if you sat Zac Efron, Joey Gloor, or Luke Bryan in front of me and were wearing this shirt...
I was giggly, smiling constantly, and it immediately reinforced why I am so enamored with this man. Even though he is allergic to cats, he still allowed me to get the kitten, just to make me happy AND we didn't even fight about it, not even once. He my dear friends is what I like to call a keeper. So thank you Corey for being the best and handling all the chaos I throw your way. Now readers, we are not naming the kitten Hulk like he wanted.
We have yet to truly decided on a name for him. Although, seeing the names that he picked were a good laugh and need to be shared.
His list of names:
Boomer
Oscar
Flex
Leonardis
Onyx
My thoughts on each name he picked
Boomer- dogs name, could be one of Santa's drunk reindeer
Oscar- fitting since he came from a dumpster, but I don't want to remind myself that people are assholes every time I say his name.
Flex- Really Corey? Fucking meathead.
Leonardis- way to long and not my taste. Leo for short is too common
Now I will ask you kindly to take a look at this picture again..
What would you name this handsome face? My top picks are Ezra or Manzo.
However, if you like some of the names Corey picked out I would be curious to know why. Or if you have any other suggestions.
Now, the true purpose of this blog is to not only share my excitement but to also inspire others to give animals the life that they deserve. Now this does not mean everyone should go out and rescue animals. Animals are VERY expensive and time consuming, so please take that into consideration before adopting a pet. The question you should ask yourself before adopting a pet is am I going to be able to give it the best life possible?
This little guy deserves the best, and that is exactly what he is going to get! Starting with a kick ass and fitting name.
I cannot wait to snuggle this little love bug <3 Thank y'all for reading about my crazy cat lady thoughts!
As usual, I shall leave you with something that will make you smile...and if it doesn't than your probably an evil person...
Most of my friends know by now that I am moving to Philadelphia, PA in the beginning of November, if you didn't then surprise? Now for those of you that don't travel to Philly as often as I do, don't know that it takes 4 hours to get there and it is 269 miles away from where I live. It is going to be a sad but an exciting departure!
Why Philly? Part of the many reasons why I am moving to Philadelphia for the grand prize of all boyfriends. Just look at him...
He is one of a kind.
Truly charming...
Corey and I have been together for 3.5 years and we have always lived in different states. So, I dare say that we are due to AT LEAST live in the same freaking state! Long distance fucking sucks! I would not recommend it to anyone. However, long distance has taught us how to love. It made us cherish the little time we have with each other, taught us that the little things are what matter. It allowed us to fight and mend it just through actual communication (not sex). Granted, there were times when I thought this...
but in the end this gem is a one of a kind and all mine.
Wouldn't he be a great gay guy?
Anyways, I shall tell y'all some of the reasons why I am so freaking terrified to move. These may not be legit reasons for to most of you, but they are for me!
I am not even kidding you when I tell you what my main concern is for when I move. Brace yourself, make sure you're sitting down.
Okay, here it goes. My main concern...
Where the hell are all of my clothes going to go! There is no room!
I have 141 shirts, 25 pairs of jeans, 23 dresses, (I count my clothes, don't judge me) a mess of bathing suits, a variety of gym attire, LOTS of accessories, and that is not even a quarter of what I have! I currently have 2 dressers and a walk in closet filled to the MAX! And I can't bring the bigger of the two dresser with me because it is built into my wall!
I feel like I am punishing my clothes by bringing them from their mansion where they are color coordinated by type of shirt, sprayed with perfume to smell nice, and all are hanging on matching colorful plastic hangers, to a tiny little hole in the wall, that is called a closet at Corey's house.
In my mind this is the transformation I am making..
to
Now, if Corey was right next to me while I was typing this I would imagine he would look something like this...
and his thoughts would be something like "Bitch, you need to downsize because you are NOT taking my closet!"
Okay, my second concern that most will find absolutely ridiculous.
My friends and family have bought me an assortment of zebra shit over the past 5 years! I have enough zebra stuff to decorate my own freaking apartment and then some. And I know that Corey is not going to want me to have it all around the house. Now, most of you would say part with the zebra stuff. BUT I CAN'T! It is part of me! It is like my signature thing! I guarantee if you were to ask anyone that knows me well to name the first few thing that comes to their mind when they think of me, that zebra print would be in the top 3. It's an obsession. It's a collection, its girly, its a passion. It is me! And I will be damned if I give up my zebra collection!
So... I think what I will do is make a deal with him. I can keep my zebra shit, and he can keep his Al Capone poster, Dirty Harry poster, and his stupid Buddha in the bathroom. Fair trade? I think so. Nothing says good morning like Dirty Harry pointing his pistol at your face...
Just as he would think nothing says good morning like me drooling all over his pillow, which he will most likely roll into during the night. And yes, the pillows will have zebra pillow covers...
The last concern...for now...
I can't cook. I burn toast. This is a serious problem. I know Corey is not going to be around to cook for me whenever I need it (he is a great cook). So, this means I actually have to do something that I truly hate and am not good at! I would rather do all the laundry, all the dishes, vacuum, mow the lawn, weed whack, jump off a cliff, stab myself in the eye, and drink my own urine than cook. I really will feel bad for him when I go to make him dinner and he wont be able to tell if we are having steak or mac 'n cheese.
I can see it now... Dinner is served.
And he will look at me like...
And he will magically develop some titties, no big deal.
He may even come home and realize that the house has been burnt down, because I couldn't cook a premade pizza. I have cooked a premade pizza to the cardboard that it came with once, it was a DISASTER. I guess I better have some back up apartments in mind, just in case I burn the house down.
Overall, I am super excited to be moving! We have such a great time when we are together and are very compatible with each other. He puts up with a lot and I have to give him credit for that. He is my best friend and I love him to pieces. If I was to rewind time and do it over again, I would choose him every time...
A summary of all of my emotions throughout my day yesterday...
OMG, I get to see the Zac Brown Band tonight!
No not that! Anything but that!
Wow, we are idiots
Fuck.
Yesterday, was easily one of the most mixed emotion days I have ever encountered. My wonderful friend Casey had bought me tickets to go see the Zac Brown Band. We made a deal that if I drove to the venue that he would buy my ticket. So I woke up feeling like this guy...
OMG, I get to see the Zac Brown Band tonight!
I was beyond excited for this concert. I have been looking forward to it for a month and a half. Now, I invited my other beautiful friend Jena to come with me to this concert, since she loves country music just as much as I do. I love this girl to pieces, but she is late for EVERYTHING. She will be late to her own wedding and funeral.
To make a long story short, Casey and his girlfriend, ended up driving separate from us because Jena was still about a hour and a half away at the time that we were suppose to leave.
Fuck. We are so no making it to that concert
Now, while waiting for Jena to get into town, I decided that it would be a good idea to change my tampon before we left for the concert (no shame). I mean God only knows what the toilets would have been like at the concert. So I pulled my pants down, hovered over the toilet. Just as I am about to get down to business, I hear a 'kir plunk'. I look down and there it was, my iphone, in the toilet. I forgot to take my iphone out of my back pocket; now, mistakes happen, however, this was the SECOND time in a matter of 4 months that I dropped a phone in the toilet! I knew that 'kir plunk' noise all to well. As soon as I heard that noise my face looked something like this...
No not that! Anything but that!
I became really good at fishing my phones out of the toilet. This time, when I pulled my phone out, the speakers did not work! So I sat there sulking because I was not on time for the concert, I now had to pay $40 for a ticket and drive myself (broke my deal with Casey), and then dropped my phone into the porcelain god. My mother, being the sweet woman that she is, tried consoling me and calming me down by buying me delicious, greasy food. I mean she did know I was on my period at this point. Probably, because I yelled when I dropped my phone in the toilet "All I wanted to do was change my fucking tampon!" So she knew I needed something. I am sure her thoughts were "Get this bitch some sugar and grease, PRONTO!" So there I was, looking like this,
stuffing my face with the most delicious food known to mankindwhen all of a sudden, I received a text from Jena saying she is home (yes, my texting still worked on my phone, yes, I was being dramatic while sulking about dropping it in the toilet) Frustrated, I packed up my food got in my car and went to pick Jena up. At this point, I was thoroughly annoyed because I couldn't eat my food at a table, I was VERY late for the concert, and I had dropped my phone in the toilet. The minute Jena got in the car I took off like a bat out of hell. I bet if anyone was to make me upset while driving yesterday, something like this would have happened...
I will admit it, I drive like a complete jerk when I am in a hurry. For the readers that do not know me, I have the worst luck in the world (with cars) AND I have road rage. It is a lethal combination to say the least. It was very difficult for me toadmit this but I may be worse than an Asian woman driver. But I can do an entire blog just on my cars, road rage, and pet peeves of driving at a different time.
Two hours later, we got to concert (it was dark at this time), we missed the entire opening act. However, we got there about 5 minutes before the Zac Brown Band started AND we even manage to find Casey and his girlfriend! The concert was AMAZING. The group is so TALENTED, and is truly one of the best concerts I have ever seen. We were all in aww leaving the show.
The finale of the show
Jena and I were in so much of an aww that we got lost trying to find my car...Now, remember it was dark out when we arrived at the concert, so we had no idea where we parked and we were in too much of a hurry to really pay attention. Now, let me show you a map of the venue we were at so you can understand my frustration. As far as we knew, we parked somewhere in the red line that I have drawn.
We walked around aimlessly, in the red area, for one hour. Do you feel our pain yet? No. Okay, I was in heeled cow boy boots...how about now? My feet have blisters on them, as do hers, but the concert was worth it and I had the best company. I could not have asked for anyone better to come with me to this concert. Most people would get pissed off that they couldn't find their car for a hour and that their feet were killing them... but Jena and I had a fucking blast. I am pretty sure the both of our faces looked like this walking around.
We were linking arms, thinking about places to camp out because we were absolutely positive that we were not going to find my car. I am pretty sure at one point I was even thinking about what berries were poisonous and which ones weren't. In addition, Jena picked out a nice spot to shit, it was great!
On our journey, we talked to strangers to see if they had seen a white ford fiesta. No luck with idea. We talked to security to try and see if they had seen the ONE landmark that Jena saw on the way in, they looked at us like we had 23 heads. I saw some couple with matching dread locks getting it on in the front seat of the car while waiting in the mile long traffic, which I couldn't even be upset by, it is just ballsy and impressive (no shame, I like it).
After about an hour of wandering and having the time of our life, we found Diamond, my car's name, and we continued our 2 hour drive home. Talking about whether the people walking on the side of the road at 2:30am were werewolves, vampires, or just drunk; maybe, even a little bit of all the above. BUT we came to the conclusion that they could only possibly be werewolves or vampires. In addition, we got to know each other even more than we already do. I learned that Jena's special talent is sharting. For those that don't know what sharting is, it is shitting and farting(working on doing it on command). And she learned that I can out belch anyone if you give me a diet coke. Needless to say, I brought the right person to this concert.
Anyways, the point of this blog is that we all need to understand that life isn't always going to go the way you it expect it to. We have to learn to deal with the chaos that comes our way and spin it to be fun and positive. A little chaos keeps people on their toes and exercises our patience. Forces us to learn to have fun, even in the craziest of situations. Life is what you make of it, so why not make it something that you will enjoy?
Thank you for reading! Now look at this picture and you will leave my blog with a huge smile and maybe even laughing out loud.
I don't even know why I started this blog, but here I am, acting on another impulsive decision. In my defense, I am discovering that the fullest parts of life unroll as the result of impulsive choices. A solid example:
Whipping out several tampons in the middle of the library. I fill my life with laughter and smiles by making others feel very awkward, and I dare say that I am good at it. I mean just look at this picture, nothing but awkward awesomeness. Now if you could have seen my best friends face when she took this; it looked something like this...
And that is why she is my best friend, she is a black man with a diamond stud. And by that I mean an Italian girl that is just as goofy as I am.
Yup, completely normal...
Now, Not a good enough example? Okay, how about this one?
Yup, this is me at my finest. And most likely this is around the time that I had my dot, but whatever. It was an impulsive decision and delicious, no regrets. I am not afraid to make an ass of myself, and I truly don't understand people that take life so seriously! LIVE PEOPLE! Eat a donut, buy the shoes, steal a small child's doll! I don't care what you do, just live life to the fullest! My thoughts are the more serious you are the more you will drive yourself crazy! You don't want to end up like this crazy lady!
Now, that I have posted all of these extremely embarrassing pictures of myself. I shall get down to business. If you have read this far I am sure I have your attention or judgment, both are fine by me.
The name is Melissa and I am sure you are ready to see a semi-normal photo of me, like this one...
or this one
In case you can't tell from this blog thus far, I am a huge goofball and am not ashamed to show it. I surround myself with people that make me happy and inspire me to be a better person. Now, I guess this could be part of the reason why I started this blog. I want to be the person that inspires others and gives them confidence to be themselves, no matter how much of an outsider they may feel they are. I truly believe that everybody is beautiful and should learn to embrace their imperfections. Granted, I am not the best at doing this yet, but I AM NOT PERFECT!
I am looking forward to sharing with the world my journey of embracing all of my imperfections and the knowledge that life has given me.
Starting with this guy,
Yes, this stud muffin is mine. Corey may or may not have to take a crap bigger than a pineapple in this picture. But one of the many reasons why I love him is because he has no shame. He will look constipated in pictures just to appease me. He taught me to be independent and to develop into my own, without him I may not have such a positive outlook on life. He doesn't care what others think, he will always speak his mind, and is the BEST partner in crime. He is the man that indirectly taught me how to embrace my imperfections, and for that I am forever grateful for his hairy ass, literally hairy ass (yes, I do shave it for him) Like I said, we have no shame...
Thank you all for reading my first blog. As a personal thank you I shall give you a gift. A funny picture that made me practically pee my pants.
and then shake them and tell them they don't have a lisp! But something tells me that it would not be socially acceptable to shake a person, so I refrain. So in the mean time my forehead will suffer. 
